What Did it Mean To You?
by Wild Weeb
Summary: "But that brings back the question of why the kiss even happened at all. It's the one thing I can't remember from last night. I don't even know what there was to remember. It was like one minute we were talking and the next we were all over each other and I can't find the in-between."


**A/N: I am so, so sorry for this. I don't even know where it came from. It was like two in the morning and ****I was bored.**

* * *

Her lips are on mine and suddenly that's all I can think about, the exquisite way they feel, taste. I can't believe this is her first kiss because it feels so perfectly good, but then it's mine too so I wouldn't know. Her scent wreathes around me, and her lips taste faintly of chocolate and sugary blue raspberry, a combination I never realized I liked until now.

Then she catches my lower lip between hers and gently tugs it, and I find my jaw moving in response to capture her upper lip. I'm not sure what's happening, not sure I want to; I'm just caught up in the feel of her mouth moving against mine. There's a hand, her hand, crawling up my back, my neck, twisting into my hair and pushing my head closer to her. My own hands find her ribs, slide down to her hips, and I feel her shiver as I pull her to me. Her other hand rests on the small of my back, with just enough pressure to make the skin there tingle underneath my shirt.

I feel something warm and moist, her tongue I think, probe my lips, seeking entrance, and after a moment's hesitation I grant it. Her tongue slips into my mouth, exploring it, as my own tongue is trying to do the same, resulting in a sort of dance. I can't feel anything but her; nothing exists outside of us, outside of this dance.

But we need to breathe eventually. We pull apart, gasping, looking at each other's flushed faces and letting the realization register in our minds. We'd just kissed. And damn, what a kiss it was. ...Why were we doing it in the first place, though?

"I..." she chokes out, pulling away abruptly. "I-I'm really sorry...!" My brain is too fuzzy, either from the kiss or the drink I'd downed earlier, to understand right away exactly what it is she's sorry for, and she's gone by the time I get it.

* * *

I text her the next day. I have a headache, but not like a full-on hangover headache, and I remember every detail of what had transpired. And I'm kinda confused about why she ran away. Because she took my first kiss? It's not that big of a deal to me, really. I mean, at least it was with someone cute that I actually liked and not some drunk stranger.

_Hey...you wanna talk about last night?_ I send. After a moment I add, _you don't have to_

I hardly expect her to reply at all, and especially not seconds later.

_No, it's fine_

_If we talk, I mean_

Gotta say, the girl types fast.

_why did you run?_ I type out. _I wasn't like mad or anything_

Her reply takes nearly a minute. _Sorry. I wasn't sure._

_I just kinda feel like your first kiss is supposed to be with someone you actually like, you know? Like it should be special._

_Guess I'm a romantic that way_

I feel the corner of my mouth quirking into a smile. _But wasn't it_ _your first too?_

_Well you're cool_

_I don't mind making out with you_

_But I'm sorry your first had to be with a piece of trash_

_aw thanks man but you're not trash_ I sigh as I hit the send, having been through similar discussions with her before. _you're rad. I don't mind my first kiss being with you._

It takes her a little longer to respond, but it's just a simple, _thanks man_. I smile. If she was using such a familiar phrase and omitting grammar, then she must have been feeling better about the whole thing and there wasn't gonna be anything weird between us. A relief, because I really did value her friendship and I didn't want a kiss to ruin it.

But that brings back the question of why the kiss even happened at all. It's the one thing I can't remember from last night. I don't even know what there was to remember. It was like one minute we were talking and the next we were all over each other and I can't find the in-between. And I was the only one that drank anything; as far as I know, she'd gone in with a clear head. And I'm pretty sure she was the one who initiated the whole thing.

I wonder if I should ask her about it.

Ha. Ha ha. Nah.

It doesn't really matter, right? I mean, we're still friends, and it's not like we actually like each other—in fact we both know who the other has a crush on—so there's really no point in trying to think too hard about something that doesn't mean anything. ...And it doesn't...right?

* * *

On Monday at school, she comes up to me and we talk like nothing ever happened. But I still can't help but dwell on it. Did it actually mean something to her? She _is_ really good at hiding her feelings, so how she's acting now doesn't tell me anything. And I wanna ask, but it never comes up and before I know it we're heading to our different classes.

I don't think I'm obsessing over this, but I feel like I could start to be. But I mean, I can't help but wonder about the whole thing. I don't want to make a big deal out of nothing, but if it's _not_ nothing to her, I don't want to end up breaking her heart or something. She's a lot more...delicate, I guess, than she'd have anyone believe.

* * *

I hardly notice my classes go by before it's lunchtime, and then I just go in the bathroom because I don't feel much like eating. Or talking to anyone. Or...really doing anything but sit and contemplate everything. But then my phone buzzes, and I have to see exactly who's rude enough to text me while I'm trying to be lonely and miserable. And of course, of fucking _course_, it's her, being worried, asking where I am and if I need to talk at all, and suddenly I'm feeling selfish and instead of answering anything I send a question of my own.

_Why did you kiss me?_

I stare at my screen for a minute, two, five, long after the message was marked as read, before shutting off the stupid phone because obviously she's not gonna tell me, and I might've just made things awkward between us and consequently ruined one of the best friendships I have.

But then the bathroom door opens, and I see the familiar blue hat sitting atop a mass of unruly blonde curls. And I'm speechless. Like, what could I even say to that?

"H-how did you find me...?" is what I manage to get out. I'm disgusted by how weak I sound, how weak I feel. What am I so upset about?

"Well, I mean, come on, where else does anyone go to be alone?" she asks. Flippant. Rhetorical. The way she always is. But then her face changes somehow, and her next words come out as serious as I've ever heard her. "Is that what's been bothering you all day? The kiss?"

I don't answer. I don't have to. And instead I look away, where there happens to be a mirror. It shows me a skinny red-headed girl, looking angry and sad and confused all at once, scarlet eyes glistening with tears that refuse to be shed. I wonder, detachedly, why she'd be crying, what she's so upset about, and when any of this started to really mean anything, to matter to her.

"Cul," she calls me, and I look back to her, not wanting to look at that girl in the mirror any more. "Listen, I don't really know myself why I kissed you. I guess because you're hot and in the heat of the moment I just wanted to. I don't have those kinds of feelings for you, if that's what you wanted to know."

I'm miserable and aggravated and just upset, but still, somehow, I find it in me to crack a smile, even as I feel it push the tears from my eyes to spill down my cheeks in a wet mess. "Well, I mean, I knew I was hot, but I didn't know you thought I was hot enough to make out with."

Her eyes roll. "I haven't told you enough times? Look at your hips. You're damn sexy. You should be more surprised it took me this long."

I laugh. She laughs. We're laughing and crying and I don't think either one of us knows exactly why but we just are and it doesn't matter. But eventually we calm down a bit, catch our breath, and I decide to clear things up on my own end just in case.

"But hey, same here. You're a cool friend, Olivia, but I'm just not interested in you that way. Like, you're cute and all, but I don't wanna date you."

"No, man, I get it," she says, smiling. "I mean, I know you want Gumi, and you know I'm kinda into Meiji. I don't actually think I _could_ date you. Making that transition from friend to girlfriend is...I just couldn't get over that."

"I get it, man, I get it." I'm glad. I'm glad there's nothing weird. I'm glad our platonic feelings are mutual. I'm glad I get to stay just friends with someone like her, someone who seems to understand me like no one else. But there's just one other, small detail I have to ask about. "But like, why did you..._want _to kiss me? Because I'm pretty sure you weren't drunk, like, at all."

"Um. Well, I mean..." She suddenly gets all sheepish, and while I find it somewhat endearing I really just want her to answer the question. Then she sighs.

"I don't know exactly. I think I just wanted to see how it would feel. To kiss you. I've...actually thought about it a lot, what it would be like to kiss you. And I guess for whatever reason, I just didn't wanna hold back that night."

I nod. Really, I'm just trying to process the whole thing. That she'd thought about kissing me before, that she'd let go of her inhibitions for just that night, wasn't something I'd expected from her. But maybe I should have. I don't know. All of a sudden I'm remembering how she felt, the way she tasted, and I can't stop myself from asking,

"Is it okay if we do it again sometime?"

She looks surprised. I feel surprised. I have no idea why I said that. But then she smiles, and I just _know _this all's gonna turn out fine. We're still friends, and neither of us wants a relationship past that, but that doesn't mean we can't, say, I don't know, make out once in a while.

"Whenever you want."

* * *

**A/N: Okay but I truly do not know how this happened. And I'm aware that the whole thing is kind of crap but, I mean, what do you expect, it was somewhere between much too late and much too early and this is apparently what I think about right around then.**

**I'm still very sorry for this.**

**...Either way, review if that's what you're into; if not have about as nice a day as you can manage.**


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